Joorabchian managed to muddle issues enough that Manchester City could only fine Tevez two weeks' wages, for allegedly refusing to warm up. (I say "only," but that fine amounts to 500,000 pounds: more money than I've made in my entire life.)
Many sources will hastily cite Joorabchian as Tevez's agent. That's false. Joorabchian is not a registered FIFA agent. He prefers the amorphous "adviser."
Like his title, much about the Iranian-born businessman is mysterious. Official records through companies he owns reveal two different passports. There's British Kia Joorabchian, born on July 14, 1971, and there's also Canadian Kia Kavash, born on July 25, 1971.
Whatever the date, Joorabchian was born in Tehran, and fled with his family as a child when the revolution toppled the Shah. After running a hot dog and hamburger stand in Canada, his father opened a Mercedez-Benz dealership in England, where Joorabchian first worked after dropping out of London University's Queen Mary College.
His first major deal, in his late 20s, connected Joorabchian with former Roman Abromavich partner Boris Berezovsky, the first billionaire in Russia, who has lived in exile in the UK since 2000. Joorabchian's company, registered in the U.S. Virgin Islands, bought Kommersant, one of Russia's most influential newspapers, before selling it on to Berezovsky a few months later.
It's widely assumed that Berezovsky's money funds Joorabchian's soccer exploits, though both parties adamantly and persistently deny any business relationship since the Kommersant sale.
Whoever his backers, Joorabchian, inspired by a chance meeting with Pele's agent, created Media Sports Investments (MSI) to invest in Brazilian club Corinthians. MSI essentially leased control of the team in return for wiping out its debts and promising to invest in players.
Invest MSI did, ushering in Tevez, Javier Mascherano and a host of young South American talent on third-party ownership deals. With Carlitos as captain, Corinthians won the Campeonato Brasileiro in 2005.
"I took Carlos to Brazil to play for Corinthians and he became an idol," Joorabchian told GQ. “An Argentinian becoming a hero in Brazil! It was amazing.
"Carlos is my heart. He is like family."
The bonds between the two men are more than familial. Throughout his spells at Corinthians, then West Ham United and then Manchester United, Tevez was in essence on loan, with his rights owned by companies headed by Joorabchian.
Israeli super-agent Pini Zahavi – who, along with Joorabchian and Benfica, co-owned Ramires before the Brazilian was sold to Chelsea – claims that one should switch companies every three or four years, to make sure one's compensation matches one's true worth. Tevez goes one better: since leaving Boca Juniors, he has fled every subsequent club within two years.
Except, of course, Manchester City – though not for want of trying. The 27-year-old had myriad reasons to stay: the captaincy, a mind-boggling record of having scored or assisted 48 percent of his team's goals, the approaching precipice of trophies, the inability of any other club in the world to improve on City's wages. Instead, weeks after trotting onto Wembley with the FA Cup trophy lid on his head as a cap, the Argentine international submitted a transfer request.
Now owned solely by Man City, no club met the asking price for Tevez's rights this summer. (West Ham ended up paying a 5.5 million pounds fine, plus a total of 20 million pounds to Sheffield United, for the convoluted, illegal deal which brought Tevez to England and contributed toward Sheffield's relegation. The Premier League bars third-party ownership.)
"Since the summer there have been three offers: Corinthians, Inter Milan and another Italian team," Joorabchian told La Gazzetta dello Sport last week from Milan, where he is negotiating a loan deal.
This is what the 40-year-old does – he massages deals. Joorabchian was an intermediary when Man City purchased Robinho. He managed to get an arrest warrant – issued in Brazil for him and other members of MSI over suspected money laundering – suspended. He allegedly owns or is involved in the ownership of the rights of between 60 to 70 soccer players across the world.
Now he's donning the rubber gloves and applying the lube to help slide Tevez out of Manchester.
"It was a constructive dialogue which left a good feeling," Joorabchian said of the Milan talks.
A six-month loan deal would suit all parties. Tevez can escape City, where he is expected back later this week, after bolting to Argentina sans permission during the most recent international break, incurring a fine worth four weeks' wages. Man City can hope playing time will halt the steeply depreciating value of Tevez – each match he skips to holiday in Argentina and each petulant antic knocking off a substantial chunk from the initial asking price.
Milan picks up an obligation-free replacement for Antonio Cassano, who will likely miss the remainder of the season recovering from surgery to fix a tiny hole in his heart.
"Whoever comes to Milan in January will be on loan for free, with an option to make that stay permanent," Milan vice president Adriano Galliani told Gazzetta. "Tevez? We will see, there's time. Probably if we had not had Cassano's situation, we would remain as we are."
Galliani has pulled off a series of similar loan deals with purchasing options built in, including, most recently, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, Kevin Prince-Boateng and Alberto Aquilani. And the team, owned by alleged statutory rapist Silvio Berlusconi, will hardly blink when confronted by Tevez's unique brand of madness.
"Tevez would be perfect to substitute Cassano," legendary Milan defender Alessandro Costacurta said. "I get the impression that he could create some problems if he is left on the bench though - and that will happen at Milan when you consider the forwards they have in their squad.
"He would have to be managed properly. Nevertheless, he is the ideal attacker for Milan."
Despite Ibrahimovic mumbling after the 4-0 trouncing of Chievo that "no one can replace Cassano," Tevez comes as close as most in the world, albeit minus a good deal of heart-warming frivolity.
Besides, Tevez will need to tear the Serie A up to make sure his next contract sees a nice little wage bump.
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